How To Fix Your Broke-Ass Turtle - Adult Swim

Tools & Materials

Sometimes turtles get all busted up. Learn how to patch their shell before chucking it in the garbage.

Step 1

Nobody likes a squirmy bitch. You need to knock your turtle out with chloroform. Just a couple drops onto a cotton wad or tissue. They'll be lights out and dreaming of lettuce and shit.

Step 2

Rub sanitizer around the cracked area. Get sensual; you love this animal. When the area is clean, use the power drill to create holes. Be careful not to stab the meat. You need a steady hand so lay off the soda for once.

Step 3

Thread zip ties through the holes. Shoelaces won't cut it. Zip ties can withstand a turtle's lifestyle around the marsh. A shoe-laced turtle shell is the work of a moron. Pull the zip ties tight.

Step 4

Secure the crack with quick-setting epoxy. Heads up: if you get this shit on your hands, wash before using the bathroom. There are worse problems than your dumb turtle.

Step 5

Reinforce the crack with white surgical tape. Resist the urge to use cooler-looking duct tape unless you want to spend hours later scraping it off.

Step 6

Circle the shell several times with string. Keep the string and tape in place for at least twenty-four hours. The turtle won't like this and will try to bite itself free. Tough shit, dude.

Shake the turtle awake and give them a treat. Lollipops are a good call – never chocolate. Turtles can’t digest chocolate and all this repairing will be a stupid waste of time.