When Lois catches Stewie and Brian watching something inappropriate and puts on a children's music program instead, a frustrated Stewie decides to write his own baby songs with Brian. The two form a band, "Red Shirt, Blue Shirt".
Peter and the guys question if Joe is still happy being a police officer since he was taken off patrol and assigned to deskwork. A day later, Joe gives Peter a ride to work when a call comes over the radio about a drug deal in process.
Stewie gets enrolled in a fancy private school. Worried that his new school will be too expensive, Lois gets a job at the post office. While sorting mail, she discovers an old letter Peter had written to an ex-girlfriend, Gretchen.
After Peter gets stuck overnight on the kiddy train at the Quahog Mall, he becomes jealous when Lois fawns over the handsome new Channel 5 reporter, Dallas Portland, who interviews him.
Chris decides to run for homecoming king and, to the surprise of everyone, wins! Lois, Brian, and Stewie fear that Chris's classmates only voted for him in order to pull a prank on him at the dance.
Brian calls tech support for his computer and quickly hits it off with Padma, the female tech support operator from India. Brian flies to India to meet her with Stewie tagging along.
With Peter's urging, Joe publishes his first children's book; but his lack of stage presence prompts Joe's publisher to ask Peter to become the face of the book.
An earthquake strikes in Haiti, prompting Lois to start a blood drive to help the victims. She gives homemade cookies to all the blood donors. Peter loves the cookies so much he thinks they can make money by selling them.
After Quagmire shows off his cooking skills to the gang, Lois suggests that he audtion for Channel 5's new cooking show.
When Peter mistakenly receives a Welfare check for $150,000, he attempts to return the money to taxpayers from a blimp at the Super Bowl.
Meg infuriates Lois by going to a party instead of celebrating Stewie's birthday, and to make matters worse, the party turns out to be a cult meeting.
Peter gets extremely annoyed when a wheelchair-bound neighbor one-ups him with his winning attitude and slick maneuvers at a company baseball game.
Brian's misbehavior at a dog show temporarily lands him on death row at the dog pound.