You're just a pile of stained mattresses away from hosting an elegant Oscars Sex Party.
The greatest game on Earth has finally come to the greatest city on Earth, according to Carl.
Carl prepares for the Conference Championship by waxing nostalgic on the punching bag QB strategies of old. Allegedly.
In the midst of Playoff Fever, Carl takes the time to defend his beloved mustache. Get your whisker priorities straight, Andrew.
Carl gets into the Christmas spirit by really sticking it to Dallas. Big time.
Carl admires any fan who dares to battle the cold and ice with only a chest full of blubber and a cheese-lined mustache.
Carl knows there are sinister plots underway within the world of professional football, and he's about to bust the doors wide open using nothing but acronyms.
Join Carl for some quiet reflection as he gives thanks for the only thing that matters in life: football.
Carl's beloved Giants are back, and his swelling pride leaves no room for your fancy naysayer math.
Carl knows that every heart attack has a silver lining.
Carl's sick of all the bullying in Miami. The media's bullying of Richie Incognito, that is.
Carl has a deep, abiding respect for Schiano's abusive, fatherly coaching style.
Sensitivity abounds as Carl discusses team names and mascots.
A new era dawns as Carl finally acknowledges teams that exist outside of New York.
With the Giants now 0-5, Carl is forced to move on to greener pastures.
Carl's getting help from some very nice men with some very colorful pills.
Carl finds himself alone and forgotten in a cold, indifferent world. Because of sports.
Carl knows that the real "week one" occurs three weeks into the season.
Let's hear it for them New York Football Giants! Not the horse-headed, biblical giants. Obviously.
It's that time again, and Carl came prepared with some wicked good Tuel material.
Carl gives the biggest game of the year his official insultalysis.
Carl goes two for one this week as he gives fashion its due consideration in the San Francisco / Atlanta and Baltimore / New England matchups this Sunday.
Carl discusses his MMA physique and pulls back the curtain on the myth of "jetlag."
Carl reviews Black Monday's firings and why they all deserved it.
The coming apocalypse calls for a sacrificial ceremony because Carl can't lock it in worth crap.
If only football players doubled as contortionists, there would be fewer injuries.
Carl's got one hand swaying with a lighter and the other clutching an omelet of sweet broken eggs.
Carl and his lips are thankful to know that a man can't always be responsible for what happens with his feet.
Carl picks apart the issue of head injury with the authority of a recipient.
With the poor economy taken into account, Carl accepts the sucky NFL coaches to prevent a blackhole from sucking up his flooded mobile home.
When it comes to the lock, Carl will not be deterred by a waist-high toxic river in his "living room."
Carl breaks down New York's catch-22 and gives the world the gift of "Carling."
Unbeknownst to some, Carl has a literate side, and he wants to tell you the true Baltimore score, and the Ray Lewis sore, evermore.
Drew Brees does not impress Carl. Nor should he impress you. You kids with your pads and your helmets.
Icing the kicker? Don't make Carl laugh. You wouldn't like him when he's laughy.
Carl protests the detestable performance of replacement referees by undertaking a lock-strike.
Carl discusses the importance of time management on Monday nights and how any coach can (and should) apply the film career of Tom Berenger to their technique.
Carl gives a rundown of last week's winners and losers and predicts Ohio's big showdown victor for this weekend.
Carl gives his first prediction of the 2012 season.
In light of recent events, Carl takes it upon himself to improve our beloved national pastime by bringing the game back to the fans.
Carl takes a breather from his usual commentary to highlight one of the most important developments in modern sports history: his complimentary pair of adidas Climacools.
The drama unfolding between New Orleans and San Francisco has Carl examining the nature of the game and the appropriateness of on-field weaponry.
Spring has sprung, and so has Carl's critical wit as he rests his dismissive eye towards Boston. Presented by Adidas.
Carl gets help from his mother and a guy from the package store to enhance the illusion of analysis.
Carl takes a good amount of time rubbing in last week's Giants win, musically, before making a prediction about this weekend's game against the 49ers.
Carl predicts whether the New York Giants will win or the Green Bay Packers will lose this weekend.
Carl gives his prediction on who God is going to help win when the Steelers face the Broncos this weekend.
Carl gives his prediction for the Christmas Eve match-up between the Eagles and Cowboys.
Carl gives his pick for this weekend's match up between the 49ers and the James Harrisonless Steelers.
Carl gives his prediction on how Chicago will fare with the allegedly injured Jay Cutler still out.
Shaking his angry fist at the crunched numbers of the BCS Championship, Carl sends a dire warning against mixing sports and computers.
Carl gives his prediction for this weekend's Cincinnati / Baltimore match up with an in-depth knowledge of players that really pays off come quip-time.
Carl shares the secret sweet spot to watch when evaluating a quarterback's merits: neck length.
Before Carl delivers his pick, he reviews what he will and won't do before God and his Randy Rhoads Flying-V crucifix.
A special guest is on board this week to discuss the showdown between the Gators and the Dawgs.
Before Carl can make his call about this week's showdown between the Broncos and the Dolphins, he's got a few things to say about the behavior of NFL head coaches.
Carl pays tribute to the recently deceased Al Davis and makes a stone cold accurate prediction for Oakland's matchup with Cleveland this Sunday.
The Pencilneck is gone. Hank Williams Jr.'s song is gone. All that's left: Carl and his rock-god voice.
Chuck Klosterman stands idly by as Carl uses his staggering powers of deduction to crack this whole football thing wide open.
The Garden State Stud and Chuck "Pencilneck" Klosterman face off in a battle of Bills
Chuck "Pencilneck" Klosterman returns to match wits against the Garden State Stud before the upcoming Philadelphia/Atlanta showdown.
New York vs. Washington. Pencilneck vs. the Garden State Stud. America vs. Also America. Chuck Klosterman guest stars as another season of Stone Cold Locks begins!
Behold the grandeur that is The Super Bowl Strut with Terry the Terrible
As the threat of an NFL strike looms, Carl ponders life without football.
Carl summons the power of dairy-based headwear to show support for his new team of choice. Golly, I wonder which one he picked.
It's clearly time for the NFL to adjust its methods and start directly enforcing Carl's predicted outcomes. Enough's enough, people.
Travel plans, beards and, somehow, win-loss records play into Carl's pick for the Saints vs. Seahawks.
Carl weighs in on how a change in venue will affect the embarrassment to football that is the Chicago Bears vs. the Minnesota Vikings.
Through sheer force of will, despite a completely unspectacular match-up, Carl musters up enough enthusiasm to make a pick this week.
See how horror icon Michael Berryman plays into Carl's choice this week.
Carl takes his feud with Albert Haynesworth to the media.
European all stars and strong coach-firings aside, Carl casts some doubt on the Cowboys' ability to win.
Carl's faith in the tenacity of Motor City spells doom for the New York Jets.
Carl, ostensibly launching into his thoughts on the World Series, devolves quickly into what mental health experts call "reference salad." Good luck, kids!
Carl takes a moment to discuss a serious issue in football right now:
The discussion over the Vikings / Cowboys matchup this week can be distilled to one key element: Brett Favre's junk.
0-4 on his weekly predictions, Carl scales his confidence back a bit in anticipation of the Dallas/Tennessee showdown.
Carl gives his pick for the much-anticipated McNabb / Vick match up.
Carl delivers his choice for the upcoming Giants game. As if you didn't know.
Carl's presumably unrequited feud with Bill Belichick begins anew in 2010 as the Jets face-off with the Patriots.
Carl factors in Ben Roethlisberger's absence and Troy Polamalu's shampoo
endorsement deal in his stone cold lock of the century of the week.
Carl has a few things to say about the Kansas loss...and about spray-tan sickness.
Carl has some very practical tips to make this March's madness very lucrative and/or injurious.
Carl has a few suggestions for the Olympic Committee regarding improvements to the next Winter Olympic Games.
Carl's highly accurate network of cousin intel has given him the lowdown on this year's most important match up.
Carl uses his gift for analogy to explain his frustration over having to wait an extra week for the awesomeness of the Super Bowl with only the awesomeness of the Pro Bowl to tide him over.
Squidbilly Early Cuyler takes advantage of the baldy mustached feller's bagel run and makes some predictions of his own.
Carl looks at the New York / San Diego showdown and how Mark Sanchez's hair plays into it.
Now that the NFL Season is over (for Carl), Carl takes a look at some other sports you can eat bar food to. Oh, and he makes his lock for Philly vs. Dallas.
The Giants have crumbled. Urban has quit (maybe). And only Carl is still standing to face down Cincinatti.
The Giants have really shot themselves in the foot this year, or in Plaxico's case... his thigh.
Carl has a message to all the talented footballers out there leading a respectable private life: Stop.
Can Brett Favre pull himself away from taking naps and clipping coupons to take on a team full of criminals? Carl has the answer.
With the Eagles visiting Atlanta this week, Carl reflects on what Michael Vick's and Tiger Woods' transgressions have taught us about integrity and sexual orientation.
It's an economically depressed city spectacular as Carl takes a Thanksgiving dump on the Detroit Lions before shaking down the New Orleans Saints for their beads.
Carl has some tough talk for Tom Coughlin, Eli Manning and the rest of the Giants. It's time for them to put up or shut up against the Atlanta Falcons...or else.
Carl takes a stand on a different loud mouth on the internet: The Kansas
City Chiefs' Larry Johnson.
Life imitates baseball or something, as New York and Philadelphia square off against each other in both Football and the World Series this week.
Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are headed to Jolly Olde London this week and Carl's not that happy about it.
Carl weighs in on the battle between the Baltimore Ravens and a tired old man who has already retired twice.
The Giants win the Super Bowl and Carl is somewhat pleased.
Sports talk and musings for 2/04/08.
Carl predicts his Giants will issue a Beantown Beatdown in this Sunday's Super Bowl.
Sports Talk and Musings for 1/28/08
Carl inches the New York Football Giants one step closer to destiny. From his living room.
Sports Talk and Musings for 1/21/08
Carl is well prepared for a New York Football Giants Super Bowl victory.
Sports talk and musings for 01/14/08.
In the spirit of giving, Carl offers his locks of the week. Of the Century!
Sports talk and musings for 12/24/07.
Carl explains the conspiracy behind the Mitchell Report.
Sports talk and musings for 12/17/07.
Carl offers his insight on the Michael Vick sentencing.
Sports talk and musings for 12/10/07.
Sports talk and musings for 12/3/07.
Carl expresses his displeasure with the current state of college football.
Carl explains the science behind Big Blue's tough loss.
Sports talk and musings for 11/12/07.
Sports talk and musings for 11/5/07.
Carl explains the insignificance of Boston's World Series win and how Isiah Thomas is an amateur when it comes to sexual harassment.
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