The desire for a 'well-rounded man' doesn't mean you should 'eat more burritos.'

Foreplay with vegetables can be fun – but celery is a no go.

Ears are not handles.

A true lady enjoys longs walks, thoughtful conversation, and seeing a clown get bloodied by either club or fists.

Always keep your feet in your socks. Your feet are clammy, vile things. Like twin Danny DeVitos.

While we do appreciate presents, giftwrapping a chipmunk glued to a stick is now considered passé.

Instead of cologne, dab a little gasoline behind the ears. Don't overdo it. Please don’t overdo it.

Though it may resemble orange glitter, shake the nacho dust from your beard.

A scarred and scabby hand can tell many stories – none of which involve touching our flesh.

You know who's sexy? Harry Hamlin. If they bottle his juice, gulp that shit down immediately.

When sharing a shower, ease up with the breast soaping. Give it ten, fifteen minutes tops. The last water bill was terrible.

Before pawing our tender bits, consider first putting down the game controller.

A fun thing to do might be never meeting again.

*Not an actual woman