Here's just one of the many reasons why celebrities are our better: When you're playing a round of Mad Libs and you have to supply a "name of a person," putting down "Cameron Diaz" will always spice up the narrative a lot more than writing "Uncle Dan." Even better than that is when celebrities are actually in the room with us. And even even better? When they're in the room talking about stuff that makes them nerdy. Nerdy like us.

In Celeb-Nerdy, we invite famous people into our big interviewing parlor (not our parent's basement) and have 'em unleash what they geek out on. In this edition, director-screenwriter-podcasting-nerd Kevin Smith geeks out on something even he knows might be over the top: loving his doggies. He'd also love for us to mention that his upcoming reality show Comic Book Man will debut on AMC Sunday February 12th, and that his upcoming book Tough Sh*t: Life Advice From A Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good will hit stores March 20th.

But also, and most importantly, he just wants everyone to know this: he really really really really likes dogs.

Comic Book Men

So what's with you and dogs?

It's dog-watch duty around here, so I've been up early for the last few weeks. We got a dog, Scully, whose body is half-working, so there's a lot of bed-changing going on. It's like having a kid all over again.

Yeah, exactly like having a kid all over again.

[Laughs.] Except I don't go, "Man, she's gonna cost so much when she goes to college." I'm just like, "Man, she needs another bed change because she just s*** this one." I'm not that guy. If my mother was s***ing the bed, I wouldn't be like, "Let's kill her." I'd be like, "Let's make her comfortable, maybe even hire somebody to change the bed or something if we don't want to do it ourselves." Scully's about 14-years-old now. Mulder's one year younger. My wife and I were big X-Files fans. We wanted to name the third dog Cigarette-Smoking Man—didn't do it. Scully's definitely two paws toward the end, but she's a fighter, man. Pretty damn plucky. But man, the stench in this office.

“We figured out she was jonesing for weed. ”

I smoke enough weed where I could definitely pick up on her vibe of, "Oh my God. I'm done. I wanna die." But all I pick up from her is, "I wanna live." She smokes weed with me, 24/7, so essentially my office is a constant hot box. She's been on medical marijuana for a while now, whether she likes it or not.

I had gone away for a couple days right before Christmas, and while I was away [my wife] Jen[nifer Schwalbach Smith] told me Scully was taking a turn for the worse, and might not make it until I get back—she wasn't eating, not moving, not drinking, blah blah blah. She looked like death warmed over, but when I came back she lit up. Then I took her into my office and I lit up, and within two hours she was back to herself. We figured out she was jonesing for weed. I was talking about this on my podcast and somebody suggested on Twitter that if I really wanted to help her, I should blow smoke into her ears. In the age of Twitter, you read something in print and you're like, "Seems like viable advice!" Even though you don't know who the f***'s saying it, and it could be somebody thinking, "Let me see if I can get fat Kevin Smith to blow in his dog's ears." [Laughs.] But I gotta be honest with you, man, it f***ing worked! Scully used to look for treats, and now she looks for smoke. "Blow it here, poppa!"

“I'm sure even Hitler, if Twitter was around, would have been able to warm people's hearts with his dog stories.”

Beggin' Strips Commercial ITS BACON!

Like in those old Beggin' Strips commercials?

[Laughs.] Right. I don't wanna be that guy who's like, "Hey, man. Dogs are cool, aren't they?" But they are. It's crazy. I started talking about the dog on Twitter, and I thought people blow you up only when you start talking about eating your wife's *** on Twitter. Once you start talking about something they actually relate to? Oh my God. Everyone starts coming out of the woodwork with their dog stories and whatnot. It'll humanize even Hitler. I'm sure even Hitler, if Twitter was around, would have been able to warm people's hearts with his dog stories.

“Cats don't really have a soul. They're like soulless vessels, man.”

Well, he had the German Shepherd, Blondi. So the opportunity would have been there.

Yeah, the dog is a great equalizer. I was talking to someone the other day about this. The really sad thing is that this dog is the lynchpin of the family. She has always been with us. Me and Schwalbach, when we first hooked up, we had a pregnancy scare. When she told me she was pregnant, we had this discussion and decided to go for it. As it turned out, it wasn't gonna matter because it didn't happen, but in those few days we tested out our parentage with a dog. I've had cats, but cats don't test your parentage. They're so independent. It's like instead of immediately having a child, you have a teenager. It could go either way.

Cats don't really have a soul. They're like soulless vessels, man. They have all the elements of a pet—pet-ability, familiarity, the illusion of providing companionship—but there's something missing.

I've always thought of cats as weird aliens.

Totally. They're always taking notes. Dogs on the other hand are very soulful. I saw this thing on the Internet that I loved that said, "I wish I was half the person my dog thinks I am." It's so true. They look at you with this intense, "Then what'd you do?" Like you're a true hero.

Well, you talk about dogs being a possible stand-in for kids, but dogs never get that thing where they realize their parents are flawed.

[Laughs.] Right. You never hear anything like, "Did you ever get anyone pregnant before mom?" Where you're like, "Whaaa? Where's that coming from? Your mother was the first person I ever saw naked." No, the dogs see it all. They watch you f*** and masturbate and they never judge you for it. They spend most of their lives licking their crotch.

Which they learned from watching you.

[Laughs.] Exactly.

“We were like, "Let's test her out. If we can take care of a dog, clearly we can take care of a baby."”

From you, Dad!

They don't got nothing much but you. That's why they're such fans. The really sad thing is Scully will spend the rest of her life with me, but I cannot spend the rest of my life with her. I said that to a friend the other day, and he said, "That's really deep, man." And I didn't say that originally. Dr. Who said it. But not about dogs, about human beings. Scully will have to go, and I'm gonna TARDIS it up.

I remember my grandparents were given a beagle, Snoopy, and they didn't want it, clearly. So, there was this day when we were visiting and I was hounding my parents: "Can we have Snoopy?" I was a huge Peanuts fan, and even though the dog didn't have the right coloring, I was still like, "Oh my God. The table is set. Everything is set. Just please serve dinner." They said, "Okay, next time we go, we'll bring Snoopy down." We went every weekend. That whole week, I was like, "I'm gonna have a dog! I'm gonna be a dog person!" We didn't have any pets at that point. We go that weekend, the first time I was excited to see my grandparents, and the dog is gone. "Oh, the dog went to a farm where she's gonna play, lots of space." I don't know whose decision it was, my grandparents, or my parents. But I never did get it. It took me 22 years to finally get a dog, and that was Scully.

We were like, "Let's test her out. If we can take care of a dog, clearly we can take care of a baby." After a week, we were like, "This dog is so needy. Let's get it another dog to hang out with it." [Laughs.] It didn't bode well for us as parents. Thankfully, when we had kids, my wife's parents moved in with us because they saw how we were with the dogs and they thought, "This child has no shot. They're gonna microwave the baby by accident, we better move in with them." So, the dog probably saved the baby's life inadvertently.

But over these past three weeks, it's been oddly centering, especially in terms of, "Oh, there are way more important things than making movies." This m*********er is gonna die. Down the road you're gonna be able to record some funny podcasts or whatever it is you like doing, but her life is gonna end soon. Slow everything else down, put your attention here. Considering for the last year how much time we spent on the road? If you go to silentbobspeaks.com, the last post of 2011 was a schedule of everything we did. So much of it was on the road. Everything had to get dialed back to Scully when she took a turn for the worse. It sounds dopey, but I don't wanna be on some stage talking about the time [Jason] Mewes jerked off in front of Ben Affleck, while the dog is back home dying. I could do that every day. In fact, I do do it every day.

It's worked out, but I wound up learning things about myself that I didn't think I had in me. I went the other way. I think that could be her last gift on this earth: Yeah, man, you don't have to be such a f***ing creature of the industry or your work. There are all these other people and places and times to experience. You think my child would do that for me, but, no. It took the family dog. I should go talk to my kid about it, but I haven't seen her in a couple days. [Laughs.]

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