Fred Armisen - Celeb-Nerdy

Celebrities are great, celebrities are grand, and celebrities are so darn awesome that you actually have to be a celebrity to know what the true ending of this rhyming couplet is. Sorry, we can’t help with that.

But we can give you a new installment of Celeb-Nerdy, which rids celebrities of their slick veneer only to reveal their inevitable nerdy core.

In this edition, we talk to actor, writer and comedian Fred Armisen (whose show Portlandia is currently airing in its second season) about his love affair with Grand Theft Auto, which, to him, involves respecting the law whenever possible.

Rated ‘M’ by ESRB

So you like Grand Theft Auto?

That game means more to me than just me saying I really like it. First of all, when I play it, it takes me a year. I get so into it that I get very emotionally attached to being in the game. There are times I'll be away from Grand Theft and I'll be thinking of new strategies to try to finish the mission. I used to play it on PlayStation, and then I started playing it on Xbox. The first one I ever got was Vice City, which is the Miami-looking version. Then I got into San Andreas, and I even bought the guidebooks and everything. I never did any of the cheating codes, but I really tried to utilize the symbols and buttons.

Then I went onto the Niko Bellic version [in Grand Theft Auto IV], which is like New York. Each of these took me a year. When I finish all the missions, I don't go back and replay them—it just makes me too sad. When there's no mission, I’m left just walking around. It's a little lonely. There are extra little missions you can play, but it's not worth it to me. The most logical continuation of all is the one in Red Dead Redemption, which I consider the next step. That's a truly emotional game.

You jumped into the Grand Theft Auto series in the middle, not in the beginning. How did that happen?

I was living in Los Angeles in 2001, and I met a comedian named Jay Johnston.

From Mr. Show.

Right. I think we working on something with Bob Odenkirk. I forget. We were talking about videogames, and, just in passing, I was like, "I don't like videogames because you're supposed to be like a superhero and be good. I want to play a game where you just do senseless violence and shoot innocent people." He's like, "That exists." I'm like, "It does not." He's like, "Yeah. Grand Theft Auto. You just shoot random people." I actually went to his house and played it, and I was blown away. I was like, "This is what I was talking about." But I learned, of course, that you don't just shoot people willy-nilly.

“I remember not even understanding what was happening because this chef character started chasing me with a butcher knife.”

Well, you don't have to.

You can get in trouble, it actually works against you. But the idea that you can shoot a person? It really spoke to me. I don't like superhero things. I don’t like science-fiction games. I like when it looks real. It looks like a city, it looks like a street, it looks like a taxicab. But that's just my taste.

As soon as Vice City came out, I was all over it. That's when I learned you don't have to kill people. You can just do your missions and you'll be okay. But I remember not even understanding what was happening because this chef character started chasing me with a butcher knife. I was like, "What is that guy doing?" And then I learned, "Oh, you do have to kill those guys."

Well, it's probably tough to beat those games and still be an upstanding citizen.

Yeah, you have to do something in-between. Artistically, I was like, "Wow, these guys really build whole worlds. You walk into a place and people talk to you." I was just thinking about how much detail the designers put into it.

“My eyes would be salty and stingy. You just get hooked.”

Why do you think so many of these open-world games revolve around the player doing crimes?

I think that's just for the excitement. It's the same way that you get excited when you see a crime movie. Crime has that element where cops are going to chase you, and other criminals are coming after you. Otherwise, you would just be a firefighter or something. It wouldn't be that exciting. Crime has a certain speed to it. For obvious reasons you can't get away with it in real life. In real life, I'm not even going to attempt to steal a car or speed. But in the games, it's like, "This is where I can see what something like that is about.”

Rated ‘M’ by ESRB

I try to be careful when I'm driving, but there are moments in the heat of things in San Andreas where I'd see some scooters and my brain would be like, "Okay, just steal it right now!" Not for real. I wasn't going to steal it. But you're just so used to spotting things and then you react in a certain way. I got into it to the point where I’d play until 3 or 4 AM and my eyes would be salty and stinging. You just get hooked. When I’m between games, I get my life back. When the new game comes out, though, it's crazy.

So how did you go from playing these games to being in them yourself?

In my mind I was like, "Who are these voices? I want to do this!" And then in San Andreas, David Cross was in it and I was really like . . . what's the word? Jealous? I wasn't jealous of him because I love David Cross, but I thought, "I want to be in this game!" We have the same manager and that was just unacceptable. "I have to be in one of these games. Please. Can we please find out how I can get into the next installment of this?"

So I went and did it. And I became friends with Lazlo [Jones, GTA writer/producer]. We keep in touch and stuff. He knows how much it meant to me. I really got into it. It was the best thing.

Were you like a tourist in their office, taking pictures and geeking out? Or were you trying to play it cool?

No, no, no. I didn't care about looking cool. I loved every moment of it. It's also nice when you can expand your ambitions. So instead of everything being: "Oh, I want to be on TV or a movie. Movie, TV, movie, TV, maybe a comedy album someday," I thought instead: “Oh, there are other things you can do. You can be in a videogame!"

Was the experience how you imagined it'd be?

It was a lot more scripted, but I expected it to be that way. It wasn't like, "Do whatever," which was really cool. They use your creativity, but they knew what they wanted. It was more like I was being interviewed and had to react in a certain way. There were technicians there to make sure everything was being covered.

Did you pump David Cross for advice on what he did?

I think I forgot, but I know I told him how badly I wanted to do it. His mission was unreasonably difficult. He told me that he had to skip it. It was too hard when he played it himself.

You may be the first person I've talked to who's actually beaten one of these games. Usually players just lose interest or give up.

But it takes me a year. And it’s the only game I keep in there.

“The wolves and lions are brutal. They knock you off the horse.”

When you're playing these games, what sort of criminal mischief do you like to cause?

I keep it pretty clean. I'm too scared of the police.

Even in the fantasy world you're too afraid?

Yeah. It slows me down. It's such a distraction and such a drag when people are chasing you. I'm just like, "F*** that. I can't deal with this." I did some vengeance, and it was against animals. You know, you're minding your own business, you're on a horse, and a pack of wolves or a mountain lion will come out and attack you. I'm so offended by that.

It's rude.

It's not fair and it's not cool. I'm on a horse! I'm not doing anything to you. And the wolves and lions are brutal. They knock you off. I like how realistic it is because that's what life must have been like out there. What I've done is, I've been killed by wolves, but I go back and make sure that I have enough ammunition. I’m like, “You wanna jump at me? You think this is a game?" I just go on a rampage and shoot them all. "I have no sympathy for you for jumping on my horse."

What's weird is I don't have any true violent feelings. It does feel like a separate part of my brain. I've never gotten into one fight. I've never owned a weapon. None of that stuff ever happened to me. I'm not even into gore-gore, like [the 1978 pseudo-documentary] Faces Of Death. When I play these games, I can feel my pulse and everything intensifying. I actually get the same rush as when I watch a horror movie.

I think that's bloodlust.

I think you're right.