What to Expect When You're Expecting an Apocalypse

We've been asking a number of well-respected scientists how they think the 2012 Apocalypse is going to go down and the results have been very illuminating. "You're an idiot," is a common response. Heavy sighs, spitting on the ground at our feet and kicks in the shins were also noted in our research, which, in the end, felt statistically nonsensical. Where's a scientifically-minded person with no understanding of science to turn?
Movies; duh.

Here's what we've learned so far:

1. Movie Projectionists Are Going to Be Okay

You movie projectionists out there can breathe a sigh of relief. You are going to be okay. You can thank 1984's Night of the Comet for this insight, which based the main character's survival on being a projectionist. Apparently, the air-tight, steel box from which you project your movies...through steel, I guess...will protect you from doom dust.

Even when everyone you've ever known is dead, the mall is still a magical place.

So, the takeaway from Night of the Comet:

Surround yourself with steel.
Feather your hair. It may not help you survive but it'll make that popped collar really sizzle.

2. You Should Start Working Out Now

Almost every movie that provides practical Apocalyptic information reveals a largely-unspoken thread of truth: if you make it past the doom dust stage, you're gonna need to be fit. Perhaps no movie better illustrates this than 1988's Hell Comes To Frogtown starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.

People with names like Sam Hell are almost guaranteed to survive apocalypses. (Hell Comes to Frogtown is MPAA Rated R)

Now, you may not have time to beef-up to Rowdy-Roddy-mensions, but if you aim to stand a chance against nefarious frogpeople, you should at least start doing some crunches or something.

The takeaway from Hell Comes to Frogtown

Get in shape.
Don't get a vasectomy. (we think Sam Hell is meant to re-populate the earth or something.)
Feather your hair. Again, may not be necessary but you'll be glad you did it.

You too, ladies.

3. There Will Be Survivors, Some Normal, Most Not

As we've already learned from Hell Comes To Frogtown, Night of the Comet and bonus research clip Nemesis 2, there will almost certainly be survivors and they will almost certainly resemble familiar monsters from existing entertainment. They will be a formidable force, perhaps inescapable and, in some cases, just trying to get along, as they are in Omega Man, starring Charlton Heston.

Parallel parking in post-Apocalypse, still a tricky endeavor.

The takeaway from Omega Man

Probably don't try to kill everyone.
Ascots are going to make a comeback.
Pay phones are also going to make a comeback.
Feather your hair. We're not not going to suggest it.

4. Survivors Will Be In Airplanes

Despite being the most obvious choice for our investigation, Roland Emmerich's pulse-throbbing, destruct-o-visionist garbage-grinder 2012 (released in 2009) did not yield as many insights as we had hoped. Granted, we were inhibited by not actually watching the movie or, in all honesty, being able to finish watching the trailer.

But the manic train of events labeled "plot" in its Wikipedia entry suggests that the end may come in the form of everything around you collapsing. And when that happens, you're going to want to be in an airplane.

This movie made $770,000,000 worldwide. Feel pretty good about that, world?

The takeaway from 2012

Befriend a pilot.
People may make grandiose pronouncements about humanity. Ignore that crap; there are mountains crumbling.
Feather your hair.

5. It's Gonna Get Real Dusty

No matter how the end of civilization comes, one thing is certain about the aftermath: things are gonna get reeeal dusty. When you hear the phrase "post-Apocalyptic," we would bet money that whatever image is called to your mind features dusty ragamuffins. The Mad Max trilogy was perhaps the first to come to this reasonable conclusion:

People can't even dust off their clothes for Dyin' Time.

The takeaway from the Mad Max trilogy.

Stockpile moist towelettes as soon as possible.
Fill every other slot in your bullet belt with ChapStick.
Oh yeah, you should have a bullet belt and something to shoot your bullets with too.
Feather your hair. And give it a fancy streak.

6. Doomsday May Come With a Religious Affiliation

As Roland Emmerich taught us in the three-quarters of the 2012 trailer that we watched, Mayans predicted it and science has confirmed it (citation needed) but one other thing to know is that the God of the Old and/or New Testament may also be involved. According to the Mimi-Rogers'-breasts-starring motion picture The Rapture, that's exactly what's going to happen.

The apocalypse may feel like it ran out of money right when you're expecting it to get really intense. Be prepared.

Of course, this is the same scenario set forth in the infamously hilarious Kirk-Cameron-starring "Left Behind" series, but we'd like to keep this list scholarly, so let's not give it much credence. But let's watch a trailer anyway. Videos are fun!

Much like being named Sam Hell, being named Buck Williams is also likely to keep you safe.

The takeaway from the The Rapture:

God giveth. God sendeth horses to ruin everything.
God may ask you to do some whacky things right before stuff goes down, like that practical joke he played on Abraham and Isaac.
Mimi Rogers. Just sayin'.
Feather your hair.