Adult Swim: The Road to Juggalo Recovery

Being a Juggalo -- those most dedicated devotees of the horror-rap duo Insane Clown Posse, also sometimes referred to as "ninjas" and "ninjettes" -- seems like a satisfying lifestyle. You get to paint your face like a wicked clown, you get to jam out to bitchin' ICP tunes like "Miracles," "Santa's A Fat Bitch," and the group's collaboration with Jack White, "Leck Mich Im Arsch" (also featuring Mozart!).

Still, the day is sure to come when Juggalism starts to become less of an awesome way to define yourself for people who would only ever venture down to Cave-In-Rock, Illinois, site of the annual Gathering Of The Juggalos music festival, to write condescending articles for hip music magazines about how lame all of the fun everybody is having is.

Who knows what'll lead to that decision? Maybe you'll decide that it's time to make your folks proud, and forcing them to tell their friends about their little darling, Stabby 4 Life, isn't helping. Maybe you'll just want to date a young lady who doesn't identify as a Real Juggalette.

Whatever the case, the day may come when you'll want to leave your life as a Juggalo behind. That's why we've compiled these Twelve Steps To Juggalo Recovery, to help guide you through this trying time.

1. Admit to yourself that you have been a Down Ass Juggalo.

Look in the mirror. Is your face painted like a scary clown? Read the following line: "I could take all the face paint off and get a real job working for your dad." Did you immediately hear the words "I would rather take a ten-pound axe and stick it in your daddy's forehead"? Then let's start there - you are officially a Juggalo.

Maybe you insisted that you were just painting your face socially, or drinking Faygo when your homies were pouring it to celebrate a special occasion. But it's time to face it. They say admitting it to yourself is the hardest part. With that out of the way, your recovery can truly begin.

2. Get rid of all of the ICP and Psychopathic Records-related music you've been hoarding.

It's time to change your listening habits. Some experts advise starting by weaning yourself off the Juggalo circuit - starting by deleting tracks from your iTunes library by Gathering-approved acts like Coolio and Vanilla Ice, moving on to other Psychopathic Records artists like Twiztid and Dark Lotus, before finally purging your collection of every ICP track.

This approach is not recommended, however. It's been found by Dr. Hustla Money Bear, Juggalo psychologist, that the temptation to relapse is often too great to overcome. The best way to overcome your ICP addiction is to quit cold turkey.

3. Trust that there are non-Psychopathic Records musicians who can still enrich your life.

So, you've deleted all of your Insane Clown Posse-related music. By now, your bedroom is starting to get awfully quiet. Have you ever really sat and listened to the music of Yusef Islam (formerly Cat Stevens)? There's a lot to like about that guy, especially his 70's work. Many Juggalos are drawn to the themes of spiritual renewal at the core of ICP's music, from the Dark Carnival down to Shangri-La. Well, Cat Stevens wrote songs like that, too! He wanted to get there on a train. A "Peace Train," in fact.

With the money you've saved on Faygo and makeup since beginning the recovery process, go ahead and treat yourself to a copy of Stevens' 1971 masterpiece, Teaser and the Firecat. Check it out - firecats! Nothing whack about a firecat!

From there, the sky's the limit: John Denver, Billy Joel, and Gordon Lightfoot all have records you're sure to love. Special bonus: Teaser and the Firecat even features a scary-ass song about a guy who's being followed by a "Moonshadow," whatever the hell that is. You're going to do just fine, ninja!

4. Recognize that this is an addiction.

Recognize that this is an addiction. Part of what makes ICP so addictive is that they tease out the promise of eternal knowledge and the path to the heavenly land of Shangri-La, if only you stick around through all of their records. First, they promised that they'd offer enlightenment to anyone who made it through their first six albums, each of which was a "Joker's Card" that guided listeners to this eventual goal. But then they announced that enlightenment had a second deck. Like any addiction, the key is getting you hooked.

5. Accept that you may never see the final Joker's Card in the Second Deck.

Now that you've admitted the problem, you can't keep waiting for Joker's Cards and the path to Shangri-La. Who knows if they'll stop at two decks? If you don't make the break now, you might be waiting around until Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are in their eighties, dropping Joker's Cards from, like, nineteen different decks.

6. Take an inventory of all the Faygo in your garage.

The time has come to move on not just from the music, but from the lifestyle that goes with it. Throw out the makeup, and then go out to the garage, and do the same thing with the Faygo. This step can be especially agonizing for ninjas who don't live in the Midwest, where Faygo is the standard generic, off-brand -- that stuff is hard to come by in California! But that's what makes this so important: It provides a spiritual break from the accumulation of Juggalo stuff.