Movies That Should Get The 3D Treatment

Here’s a bit of dialogue that’s guaranteed to be taking place right this second in a typical Hollywood office: “Hey, that’s great! I’d love to see such-and-such a movie on the big screen again! Just one question: Can we make it cost more, look even worse than it did originally, and would it be possible to induce motion sickness among the audience members? Yes? Wonderful!”

Let’s face it, 3D movies are pretty lame, but that’s not to say that this sixty-year-old cinematic process can’t be used to spice up classic (and not so classic) movies from the past. Here’s our list of flicks that could use a good old-fashioned 3Ding.

1. The Piano

Jane Campion's confusing mix of dark, down-under misogyny and bizarre mid-19th century romance is ready for a fresh update, and there’s no better way to achieve this than through the simple act of wearing a pair of cheap red-and-blue plastic glasses and experiencing a fully nude Harvey Keitel and his penis in eye-popping, three dimensional detail. This would also hold true for the 1992 version of Bad Detective, in which Harvey’s penis also plays a co-starring role (check out Harvey’s penis’s IMDB entry for more details).

2. Eraserhead

If there's anything we'd like to see in greater depth and clarity than Harvey Keitel's junk, it would have to be any scene from David Lynch's nauseating 1977 “masterpiece” Eraserhead. Sit back, relax and think, “This is fantastic. It’s just like having a bunch of deformed fetus worms conveniently thrown right into my lap!” This might also be a good time to head out to the lobby for some buttered popcorn, rumored to have also been created from deformed fetus worms.

3. Michael Bay's Transformers

There is only one reason to watch this 2007 fiasco on 3D, and that’s to take your mind off the fact that Transformers does not follow any of humanity’s rules of time, space, war strategy, plausible motivation, or basic human psychology. Better yet, in this 3D version, you can now see a crystal-clear version of Shia LaBeouf attempt to deliver, in a straight face, the line: “No sacrifice, no victory.” The horror!

4. Tree of Life

This 140-minute ball of confusion desperately needs to be seen in literally every existing dimension in order to fully appreciate its auteur splendor. At least, that's the theory provided to us by the critics, who all appear to have experienced a very different movie than the version that bewildered the rest of us. And maybe, just maybe, if certain things in Tree of Life appear to be coming straight at us, such as pretentious subplots or philosophical mumbo-jumbo, it'll all finally now make some sort of sense - sort of.

5. Easy Rider

It would be nice to give this 1969 ode to hippie life some respect, and a huge, realistic close-up of Dennis Hopper’s spaced-out, drug-blasted pupils might be that reason. The ultra-large breasts of actress Karen Black, playing a New Orleans whore, also help matters greatly.