Adult Swim: Ten Reasons Why Life In Skyrim Will Be Better Than Real Life

One of the biggest video game releases is nearly upon us. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (ESRB Rated M) comes out on Friday. Like previous entries in the Elder Scrolls series, Skyrim promises a huge fantasy world to explore with near-infinite story possibilities, making each player's time with the game a unique experience. It will not be unheard of for gamers to spend 100 hours or more in the vast Skyrim universe.

Ask yourself, "When was the last time I did anything for more than 100 hours that wasn't related to work, school, or masturbating?" Since working and learning both suck, and masturbating is just furtive and sad, we can use reductive reasoning to conclude that your life in Skyrim will be better than your real life. And here's why:

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This is what a girl looks like when she is interested in what you have to say.

1. Girls Talk To You

Talking to girls in real life is hard. Even if you manage to muster the courage to approach one, she just stares at you vacantly as your brain fumbles for the words to win her heart. Sound familiar? In Skyrim, girls still stare at you vacantly, but all the words you can say are predetermined, removing a great deal of social pressure. Plus, you get to talk about elves and crap like that, which a real-life girl would never subject herself to.

With the help of groundbreaking Stonemorph Topographic Modeling and Sedimentary Geo-Texturing, the Skyrim development team has been able to create a vast and stunning array of lifelike rocks.

2. The Rocks Are Prettier

Have you ever looked at rocks in the real world, only to find them just a bunch of boring, ordinary rocks? Not so in Skyrim! Every rock that you see in Skyrim has been lovingly hand-crafted by an experienced game developer using highly-sophisticated 3D imaging technology to ensure that the rocks in the game are even more rock-like than real rocks. "If you think the rocks are awesome, you should talk to our Senior Topsoil Designer," said Skyrim's Lead Rock Designer.

A dragon, seen here making life in Skyrim a treat.

3. Dragons!

Do you feel like you constantly have to convince others around you (friends, family, the old guy at the comic book shop) of the existence of things that everyone keeps telling you don't exist? But you know in your heart -- deep down -- that they do? Things like high-quality young-adult vampire fiction? Excellent nu-metal bands? Japanese animated television series with riveting, easy-to-follow storylines? If you are this type of person, then you may also believe that dragons could maybe, possibly, theoretically exist. You probably also believe in ghosts and mutants. If so, Skyrim will be a treat.

A skeleton monster with glowing blue eyes would not look this good in real life.

4. Realistic Shadows

Next time you enter a well-lit or semi-lit room, take a look around. Do the shadows look unrealistic? They probably do. And yet, we must accept these unrealistic shadows as part of our everyday existence. The creators of Skyrim, however, were not content to settle for ordinary, unrealistic shadows. Using Sunbeam Verisimilitude lighting technology and a proprietary Incandescent Luminous physics engine, Skyrim's developers were able to achieve the most realistic shadows ever seen in a video game, including some new kinds of shadows that only exist in the world of Skyrim.

Skyrim offers plenty of walking, all of it free of actual physical exertion.

5. Zero-Effort Cardio

Do you get out of breath when you walk up a flight of stairs? How about when you clamber out of your car? Kiss those problems goodbye in Skyrim. You can traverse the game's rolling landscapes without having to set foot inside a gym. Skyrim contains over 68,000 square miles of painstakingly-constructed terrain to explore, all of which combined is roughly the size of Oklahoma. Have you ever wanted to jog from Kansas to Texas? And while carrying a shield? Now you can.