Inevitable Hollywood Remakes

If there is one area where Hollywood excels it is the remake. Now some naysayers out there like to hem and haw about the supposed dearth of original ideas being put up on the screen but we say that is ridiculous. Why spit on our rich cinematic history with insulting interlopers that no one has heard of? Here are just a handful of movies begging for a cinemagical makeover.

The Boogens (1981)

The Original

"The town of Silver City has a secret. A secret below the surface. A secret that kills. The secret is out." What is this secret you keep talking about and why don't you have a thesaurus, you ask? Better yet, why do you need to say anything at all when the name of your movie is "The Boogens?" The truth is, you don't, and this is why it's likely to be remade. Oh, by the way, the secret is that there are big, spider-turtle-octopus monsters that kill people.

The real secret is how he keeps his skin looking so young.

The New Cast

The Boogens: Steve O
Lady That Gets Naked: Christina Hendricks

Look, Christina Hendricks needs to get naked and she needs to do it quickly. I mean, come on already, we've waited long enough. And The Boogens is just the vehicle to make it happen. Yes, there are other characters in this movie. No, they don't matter. Okay, fine, um... fill out the rest of the roles with the former cast of The O.C. They're not busy.

Original Lady That Gets Naked. Actually, we're not sure if she gets naked in the original. But she would in the remake. Look, just because we couldn't sit through all of The Boogens says nothing about this title's strong marketability.

How the New One Will Be Different

The remake will focus less on the monster or monsters (it's not really clear) and focus more on Christina Hendricks' nudity.

Zardoz (1974)

The Original

Zardoz was either a misguided attempt to make a thought-provoking science fiction epic that transcended a limited budget with a mind-bending premise and lyrical dialogue or it was an elaborate practical joke on Sean Connery's dignity. Either way, it's a captivating disaster and worthy of our renewed attention.

Colin Firth, a man who, prior to having his face in The King's Speech poorly photoshopped onto Sean Connery's body in Zardoz, was admired for his quiet dignity.

The Cast

Zed: Colin Firth

When Sean Connery took on the role of Zed in the original, he was a well-respected actor who was in excellent physical condition for a 44 year old man in the 1970's, which is a pretty qualified statement and doesn't mean you should dress him in something that would make a young, body-building gay porno actor blush. Colin Firth is also well-respected and vaguely fit. Let's stick him in a red diaper and thigh high lady boots and watch the magic happen.

In the new version, Zed will not marry zombie Dana Carvey.

How the New One Will Be Different

The remake will be under four hours long and not require a PhD in Make-Believe Nonsense to follow along. The loin cloths will remain. The abundant chest hair, handlebar mustache and ponytail will be focus-grouped.