Adult Swim's History of Thanksgiving

The Thanksgiving we know today in America follows a long tradition of harvest festivals with roots that span the globe. Let's take a look.

Sodom & Gomorrah

Way back when, in the original Twin Cities, citizens held a yearly celebration at harvest time called "Awesomefest (year)."

Depiction of a prostitute preparing her buttocks for Thanksgiving.

Traditional Dish:

Maraschino-style cherries soaked in rum eaten off of the buttocks of a prostitute was the dish of choice at the original "Awesomefest 2352 BC." The dish remained popular, though, by the third year in, the cherries were considered optional.

Common Thankfulnesses:

Because most Sodomites and Gomorrahzis were not on good terms with deities of the day, they tended to thank each other for their good fortune and are, in fact, thought to be the originators of high fives. At "Awesomefest (year)," it would not be uncommon to hear "Hey, thanks for the blowie. High five."

Fun Fact:

The very last Sodom and Gomorrah Thanksgiving was a themed event publicized as "Awesomefest 2012 BC: Fire-Twirling Extravaganza Salt-Cannon Exhibition."

Ancient Greece

As with most Ancient Greek festivals, young men called 'vomit boys' were hired to provide vomit basin service.

In Ancient Greece, the festival was known as the "Leisurely Lying About With a Cloth Barely Covering the Groin Day," and has been depicted repeatedly in paintings and sculpture. It was a harvest celebration that involved a feast, feats of nudity-heavy athleticism and ignoring civic awareness for an hour or two.

Traditional Dish:

The Monk Seal was the feast animal of choice, usually cooked in a vertical spit broiler, with chunks of seal crammed together to form a large, unappealing meat cone.

Common Thankfulnesses:

Greeks would often thank the gods of Olympus for not appearing in the form of an ox and impregnating a member of the family.

Ancient Mediterranean Monk Seals were far more monk-like than the ones found in Greece today.

Fun Fact:

The first holiday comedy play, precursors to today's holiday movies, centered around the Ancient Greek Thanksgiving. It was written by Aristophitotle and entitled Thesmophoruziasae, which translates literally to "My Uncle Agathochus Drinks One Fermented Honey and Suddenly He's Racist."

The Druids

The Ancient Druids are thought to be the originators of air-brush design.

The Druids of the Iron Age held ceremonies at harvest time called "Badass Hoodie Day," in which the first forty Druids to appear at the gathering received free, limited edition "Dragon-Thanks Hoodies," which commonly featured dragon-slayings or magical sword designs.

Traditional Dish:

A common side dish was Darren's Oatmeal, which was a mixture of rolled oats infused with chunks of Darren. Darren's sorbet, a distillation of flavored ice mixed with Darren, was also a traditional between-courses pallet-cleanser.

Common Thankfulnesses:

A common Druid prayer of thanksgiving would be gratitude at not having botulism or being named Darren.

Fun Fact:

Some think that Druids were the first to have a Thanksgiving Day Parade, as evidence dug up at Britain's famous Stonehenge site suggests the annual presence of frequent public urinations and large, cartoonish inflatables depicting famous human sacrifices.