Adult Swim: Historical Corner: Columbus Day

1000

Leif Ericson, shown here definitely, absolutely spotting land.

Leif Ericson leads a band of Norse explorers and voyagers to the new world, landing in North America. When asked if they should perhaps claim this discovery for posterity, Ericson responds that claiming ownership of a land that is clearly already populated for the purposes of fame and fortune would be "a pretty dick move."

1451

Christopher Columbus ("Cristoforo Colombo" in Italian, "Christobal Colon" in Spanish, and "Crisco Short Bus" to his streetwise friends) is born in the Republic of Genoa. His early years are spent pilfering the playthings of neighboring children and licking other peoples' candy as a means of claiming it for himself.

1480

One of Columbus' three famous ships, 'The Super Columbus' — One of Columbus' three famous ships,
"The Super Columbus"

Columbus becomes obsessed with shortening the trade route between western Europe and Eastern Asia. Embracing the belief that the world is round, he proposes a faster voyage westward across what he dubs the "Ocean Sea" due to a startling lack of creativity.

1485

Columbus takes his proposal to the King of Portugal, offering him first right of refusal. He strongly insists that Portugal will only be allowed to fund his unorthodox voyage if he is officially named Great Admiral of the Ocean, adding that it was definitely a real title. King John II denies the request, later inquiring among his close confidants whether any among them could "believe the balls on that guy."

1492

With an official endorsement and generous funding from King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, Columbus sets sail with a small fleet and travels west, bound for eastern Asia. His crew is rather surprised when they encounter an unfamiliar territory that is populated by generations upon generations of native inhabitants.

Ignoring every aspect of the surrounding environment and its indigenous people, Columbus furiously insists that they have landed in Asia. He bestows the native inhabitants with the title of "Indians" and himself with the titles of Most Valuable Player and Master of Magnetism.

1493

Columbus arrives in North America for the second time to begin proper colonization. After inquiring about the nature and duration of this new occupation, the native inhabitants are told by the fledgling colonies to simply "sit tight," adding that "you won't even know we're here."

Concerns about parking go unanswered.

1506

Columbus, shown here discovering this underground patch of dirt.

Columbus dies on May 20, insisting to the very end that his famous voyage had taken him to the eastern shores of Asia. None among his family have the heart to correct him, instead choosing to comfort him in his final hours with compliments and regular bouts of enthusiastic applause. His final words are, "I am just so, so great."