1. If the groundhog sees his shadow and returns to his burrow:
Winter weather will linger for another six weeks.
2. If the groundhog does not see his shadow and remains outside:
An early spring will soon arrive.
3. If the groundhog does not see his shadow but pretends that he does:
Winter weather will linger, but it will feel almost exactly like spring. Despite your misgivings, meteorologists will assure you that it is definitely, most assuredly winter.
4. If the groundhog sees his shadow but shrugs it off and has a cigarette:
The month of March is absolutely going to kick your ass.
5. If the groundhog refuses to leave his burrow:
The weather will remain 65 degrees and overcast until the groundhog's eventual appearance. Leave an offering of day-to-day calendars outside and hope for the best.
6. If the groundhog leaves his burrow but quickly returns after realizing he has forgotten his wallet:
Winter will double-back into fall once more, then return to winter, and may experiment briefly with summer before finally settling at spring.
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