Happy Holidays! As you're opening gifts this season, take a moment to figure out just what the hell the giver is trying to get at by giving it to you.
UroClub
The message: Please stop freely urinating in your pants when we play golf.
Another possible message: I think about you and urinating a lot. A lot.
Sticky Nips
The message: Your nips could be stickier.
Another possible message: There is something wrong with you. I'm not sure what it is, but hell, maybe you could give Sticky Nips a try. You couldn't get any worse, that's for sure.
Anything From the Neiman Marcus 2011 Christmas Book
The message: I'm rich, out of touch and I've completely lost my mind.
Another possible message: I'm from another planet and have not yet learned the ways of man. But this "Christmas Book" here... that's the only place you can buy Christmas gifts, right?
Comfort Wipe
The message: You don't know how to wipe your own ass.
Another possible message: You could somehow become more dignified if you start wiping your ass with a huge plastic pole. I think you have the dignity of a lab rat with a colon sewn onto its ear.
Litter Lube
The message: Your life is so, so empty.
Another possible message: I love watching you inadvertently torture your cat by buying terrible products that make going to the bathroom more humiliating than the Comfort Wipe.
Green Machine
The message: You're a rock star. The only reason you aren't delivering swift, ass-kicking justice to anyone who dares to question your innate, superhuman abilities is because you have not yet had the chance to drive fifty pounds of hard-charging green glory from your driveway to the cul-de-sac.
Another possible message: There is no other possible explanation for this.
Magic Nursery
The message: Don't ever ask me what a penis is again.
Another possible message: You're so messed up I thought this might make sense to you.
Goateesaver
The message: If your goatee doesn't shape up, it will rot in hell for eternity.
Another possible message: Your goatee makes you look like a super-douche. Maybe sticking this embodiment of modern technological horror into your mouth every morning will eventually drive that point home.
Pro Hands Exerciser
The message: I would absolutely love for you to give me a hand job.
Another possible message: Your hands just aren't very professional and I've had enough.
Storytelling Alf
The message: I hate you.
Another possible message: I'm the voice of Alf. I can't believe you don't ever ask me about that period of my life.
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