A Dozen Fun Things To Do In Saint's Row: The Third

If you're like us, you've been spending a lot of time in Steelport lately. Not familiar? It's the bustling, crime-filled, hooker-laden, bullet-spewing urban playground featured in the recent game, Saint's Row: The Third (ESRB Rated M). What have you been doing with your time there? Seeing all the good museums? Taking in a show? Killing anything that moves? Well, here's what we've been up to:

When parachuting into a sex dungeon, customary etiquette demands that you change into your latex before entering the club. Also, try to complete all your murdering.

1. BASE JUMPING INTO S&M CLUBS

When you show up at your favorite BDSM hangout, you want your entrance to make an impression. (And no, we're not talking about THAT entrance.) All the ordinary dummies use the front door. We prefer climbing up a nearby skyscraper, base-jumping off the roof, and parachuting into the Safe Word through a skylight. If dominance is your thing, proceed to kill everyone in the vicinity. If you're a submissive like us, just strap on a ball gag and enter a fetal position.

Remember to dress respectfully when you're planning to kill all the attendees of a funeral.

2. LAYING WASTE TO SUCKAS SITTING SHIVA

Being a brutal thug in Steelport doesn't mean you have to be heartless. Our favorite way of showing remorse for our senseless actions? Going to the homes of bereaved families, paying our respects, and then killing everyone in the house to put them out of their collective misery. Then we eat the macaroni casserole we brought. Hey, it'd be a crime to let it go to waste, right?

Three intelligent and cultured Luchadores prepare to head over to their book club gathering.

3. OBJECTIFYING LUCHADORES

Sure, we value masked wrestlers for their minds, but Saints Row lets us fully appreciate the members of the Luchadores gang for their bodies. Before you judge, let's see you try to appreciate masked wrestlers as people after you skydive out of a helicopter -- clad only in a thong -- and pin a seductive Luchador to the middle of a busy intersection several thousands of miles below. Honestly, it's the only way we can achieve an erection these days.

4. TANKJACKING WITH FARTS

Saints Row boasts an impressive character-creation thingy, but why can't you customize your Mohawk-sporting transgendered walrus-dude's internal organs? Even though we couldn't craft a three-tiered stomach with spikes, we chose to turn this anatomical liability into an asset by bouncing our ride over to a gyro stand, riding tight-cheeked back to our crib, and then bottling tzatziki-flecked farts into a mason jar. Then it was time to jack a tank with that stench-holding glass grenade and exact revenge against Stavros. He knows what he did.

The tolerance of Steelport's Finest is often tested by the customers who frequent the city's downtown tiger brothels.

5. PIMPING TIGERS, Y'ALL

Steelport's an open-minded place, and thankfully tolerant of folks with progressive sexual views. It isn't uncommon to see dudes in BDSM gear out walking their dogs. We like to take it a step further by hitting up the zoo, liberating some tigers, and giving them fabulous new looks. By "fabulous" we mean a hearty coat of blush, a pink bikini, and a sexy blonde wig. Then we drop them off in the red-light district and let nature run its course as people give in to their deeper, uninhibited desire to do it with adorable man-eating predators.

A gun may save your life in Saint's Row, but it won't always save your nuts.

6. COMPETITIVE NUTPUNCHING

Saint's Row: The Third's multiplayer is great, mainly because it makes it impossible for your friends to cheat at America's favorite childhood pastime: D**k-punching strangers minding their own business. Can you beat our record? We've punched 337 testicles in a single minute. (We're not sure how we got an odd number. That last dude may have been a chick.)