Hubris

Hubris

    Materials:
  • Three-piece suit
  • Crown
  • 1,000 cotton balls
  • Pair of stilts
    Props:
  • Hand mirror
  • House of cards
  • Statue of yourself receiving oral sex

Glue 500 cotton balls to the lower half of each stilt. Don't worry about mistakes; it's not possible to make a mistake when putting together a Hubris costume. Put on the crown and the suit (if you don't own a suit, a simple T-Shirt that says "Mission Accomplished" will do). Get on the stilts. Now you stand above everyone else on Halloween, walking above the "clouds".

Fun Tip:

Drink cranberry juice all night long, occasionally referring to it as "the blood of my brothers."

Regret

Regret

    Materials:
  • Pajama pants
  • Dave Matthews T-Shirt
  • Crocs
  • U.S. president mask
  • Permanent marker
  • Pillow (girls only)
    Props:
  • Baby doll
  • Soiled wedding dress
  • Garbage bag full of cut-up credit cards

Put on the pajama pants, the T-Shirt and the Crocs. Slip the president mask (we recommend Nixon or Clinton) over the back of your head (so that he is always looking backwards to the past). Use the permanent markers to give yourself tattoos. Write your ex's name on your left arm. Put the Chinese symbol for "I'm an idiot" on your right arm. If you have a friend who can help you, write some Korn lyrics on the back of your neck. Ladies: Stuff the pillow under your T-Shirt so that you look pregnant.

Fun Tip:

Walk up to strangers and ask, "I'm taking pictures of my genitals for Facebook. Mind if I post one on your wall?"

Persistence

Persistence

    Materials:
  • Hard hat
  • Karate uniform
  • Rock-climbing harness
  • Six (6) spools of thread
  • One dozen (12) bags of tri-color rotini
    Props:
  • 100 copies of your resume
  • Giant boulder
  • Homemade rocket ship

Put on the karate uniform to represent your discipline. Put on the hard hat to represent your resistance to unforeseen events. Put on the rock climbing harness to represent your determination. Now open up the bags of tri-color rotini and fashion an American flag by tying the individual pieces of pasta together with the thread. Orange pasta = red; White pasta = white; Green pasta = blue. Warning: this may take a few days.

Fun Tip:

If the object of your affection is resistant to your advances, this costume allows you to ignore it and go in for the kill.

Envy

Envy

    Materials:
  • One (1) better-looking, wealthier friend*
    Props:
  • Celebrity magazines
  • Photo of your neighbor's car/wife
  • Article about the most successful person from your high school

Stand next to your friend. Wither.

Fun Tip:

Show an unusual amount of interest in what other people have in their trick-or-treat bags.

*Friend should have hair and clothes that you have been unconsciously failing to emulate. Note: This friend should also have better social skills. Extra note: if you are single, this friend should be happily married; if you are married, this friend should be single and constantly getting laid.

Apathy

Apathy

    Materials:
  • Who the f*** cares?
    Props:
  • Enormous pair of headphones

Do you have one of those "This Is My Costume" T-shirts lying around from last year? If not, maybe wear a cardboard box. Or a garbage bag. Heck, just roll around on your carpet and wear whatever candy wrappers stick to your clothes. If that sounds like too much work, just go as your evil twin who doesn't wear deodorant.

Fun Tip:

Go to Halloween party. Take a nap.

Friendship

Friendship

    Materials:
  • White sweatshirt
  • Faded denim jacket
  • 50 friendship bracelets
  • Mixtapes
  • Permanent marker
    Props:
  • Kind heart/warm smile
  • Tandem bicycle
  • Moving dolly

Take the white sweatshirt and use the marker to write all your friends' birthdays on it. (Keep the marker handy so that you can add people later that you missed.) Note some of the people as "BFF". Put on the sweatshirt. Now take the faded denim jacket and carefully stitch the friendship bracelets all along the sleeves to create a beautiful fringe. Fill the pockets of the jacket with the mixtapes.

Fun Tip:

Eye contact is an invitation to exchange phone numbers.

Shame

Shame

    Materials:
  • Two (2) large pieces of plywood
  • Dunce cap
  • Stool
  • Courage to show face in public
    Props:
  • Empty containers of ice cream
  • Porno DVDs
  • Your recent Internet history

Affix the two pieces of plywood together at a 90-degree angle so that you'll have a corner to sit in all night. Sit your sorry ass down on a stool, put the dunce cap on, and start thinking about what you did. (Alternative to dunce cap: put a suit jacket over your head like you are about to be hustled into the courthouse by the cops.) For trick-or-treating purposes, consider asking a younger sibling to help you carry the plywood and the stool around the neighborhood.

Fun Tip:

Take a dump in your pants before going out for the night.

Optimism

Optimism

    Materials:
  • Al Gore presidential campaign shirt, circa 2000
  • Mr. Rogers-style cardigan
  • Rose-colored glasses
  • Boom-box
    Props:
  • Guns 'n' Roses' Chinese Democracy
  • The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
  • Half-full glass of water (half-empty not acceptable)

In the wrong hands, this costume could make you look like some sort of ironic hipster. Don't worry. Put on the 2000 Gore campaign shirt to illustrate your faith in the political process -- something that no real hipster possesses. Then put on the cardigan to show your gentle side. Slip on the rose-colored glasses. Put the boom-box on your shoulder and play something uplifting. We recommend a homemade cassingle with Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" on one side and Carl Sagan's "A Glorious Dawn" on the other.

Fun Tip:

In some cultures optimism is also known as being "naive."

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