Kleptomania

The compulsion to steal stuff is a total turn-on. The always-present possibility of maybe getting caught possesses an inherent thrill that gets everyone feeling a bit frisky. And when you're with a kleptomaniac, you've also got great birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases to look forward to for years to come.

Elephantiasis of the Scrotum

Women frequently say that "size doesn't matter" but we have a hard time believing this is true. However, when it comes to elephantiasis of the scrotum, size REALLY matters. And if you've seen the photos, you'll know that it's pretty much the only thing that matters. Some guys with elephantiasis of the scrotum grow a ball sack that hangs down to their ankles. THERE ARE VIDEOS OF THIS ONLINE. Disgusting for some, but for those who always wanted to have sex on a Sit n' Bounce but the Sit n' Bounce was actually a scrotum, then your prayers have been answered (Fig 1).

Pica

Those suffering from pica have an abnormal appetite for non-food items such as paper, dirt and metal. Though this seems relatively harmless, imagine eating the entire contents of your silverware drawer and then try to imagine your next bowel movement. Not pretty. Not to mention the potential for lead poisoning or some other kind of infection. But: consider the indiscriminate nature of a pica sufferer's appetites, and then consider how it could be applied in the bedroom. BINGO.

Excessive Sexual Drive

You might also know this disorder by its other names: Hypersexuality. Nymphomania. Extreme Sluttiness. While the inability to control one's sexual urges is nothing to poke fun at, it does frequently present opportunities that one wouldn't ordinarily have. Say, if one were masturbating every night to "Malibu Express" after eating an entire bag of Snyder's pretzels. Just as a for-instance (Fig. 2).

Hypertrichosis

Hypertrichosis, sometimes called "werewolf syndrome", causes abnormal hair growth on some or all of the human body. Yes, there are websites out there for people who are into excessive amounts of hair. (A friend told us about it.) But hypertrichosis can cause hairiness in the extreme, particularly on the face. So if you're into hair, finding a mate with hypertrichosis is a dream come true. And if you're into shaving as well, it's like a double rainbow all-the-way (Fig. 3).

Disposophobia

Disposophobia, or compulsive hoarding, is well-documented on cable television. It boils down to a fear of getting rid of possessions, including food, newspapers, and pets. In other words, someone with disposophobia is unlikely to cause a messy break-up any time soon. Not to mention that you're pretty much guaranteed a threesome at some point.

Philophobia

Philophobia is the fear of falling in love. No worries here, baby.

Mononucleosis

You probably know this disease better by its nickname—mono—but did you also know it's frequently referred to as "the kissing disease" because it is so easy to transmit orally? In other words, there's a strong likelihood that someone with mono was recently getting it on with someone else who will very soon ALSO have mono. Additionally, mono creates a strong desire to stay in bed for long periods of time. Hang up; we're coming over right now (Fig. 4).

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Figure 1.
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Figure 2.
Figure 3
Figure 3.
Figure 4
Figure 4.

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