You’re Going to Turn a Policewoman Into Your Policewife
Start your week off by opening the door when you hear a policewoman pounding on it.
“I’m being set up,” she’ll say. “They want me to take the fall.” You’ll look in each other’s eyes and you’ll both feel something click into place inside of you. Invite her in and give her some soup.
“You’re really pretty,” tell her while she watches the news, getting angry when the caption “Policewoman Mixed Up With Drugs And Whatnot” appears beneath her face.
“We can’t make love,” Policewoman will say. “Not until I’ve cleared my name. I don’t want to love you until I know I can love you forever.”
You and Policewoman should make a list of all the names of the cops who might have set her up, as well as a list of baby names for when you can finally begin your lives together. You’ll agree on Dorothy if you have a girl, Wendyl if you have a boy, and Officer Kowalsky, who’s had it in for Policewoman ever since her first day on the force.
You'll get out of the house and head across town to where Officer Kowalsky lives. His front door will be open and you’ll find Kowalsky dead on his living room floor, shot between the eyes, in his hand a matchbook for Vincenzo’s, a posh restaurant.
“Looks like someone up the food chain’s tying up loose ends,” Policewoman will say. “Also, this is the perfect little house for young marrieds starting out, don’t you think?”
Go upstairs and check for clues and see if there’s a nice room for a nursery. When you hear sirens approaching, escape out the back, and man, what a great yard for barbecuing!
Splurge a little with lunch at Vincenzo’s, searching the dining room for possible suspects in between staring into each other’s eyes. Policewoman will ask your waiter if any cops ever eat there and he’ll say, “Only the Chief of Police.”
It’s been a rough week and Policewoman’s uniform is starting to smell, so take a break from tracking down who’s framing her and bring her to your friends’ game night. It’s been a while since you’ve been able to attend since it’s couples only.
During Pictionary, someone will draw a snake, and Policewoman will jump from the couch. “That’s it!” she’ll shout. “The Chief of Police is working with the drug dealer Snake Gutierrez!”
You and Policewoman will spend the day at Snake Gutierrez’s house. Snake will at first refuse to cooperate, then you’ll tell him you’re in love but Policewoman has to clear her name before she gives herself to you.
“The number one rule in the drug game is love comes first,” Snake will say. He’ll give you a photo of him and the Chief of Police holding drugs and money on a yacht.
“It was a fun day,” Snake will say. “We wanted to remember.”
Go to a church where the Chief of Police is speaking to the congregants about restoring order to the city. Policewoman will march up to the pulpit and show the Chief of Police the photo. The Chief of Police will start crying, then he’ll shoot himself.
“Marry us?” Policewoman will ask the priest once some altar boys drag the Chief of Police’s body out back by the garbage. The priest will marry you and you’ll spend the rest of your Sunday back home making love to your beautiful, honest, freshly-vindicated Policewife.
Bob Powers is the author of several humor books, including Happy Cruelty Day! and You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero. Read his writing daily at Girls Are Pretty and follow him on Twitter at @bobpowers1.
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