There are a lot of fun events going on this week, and since this is your last week of being blissfully unaware that your entire life has been a series of pre-calculated events orchestrated by a shadowy organization whose plan for you is a dark and terrifying mystery, try to enjoy as many of them as you can!

Start on Monday by hitting the Norville Apple Orchard Cider and Hayride Fest. A week from now you’ll look back on this event as one of your last moments of deluded innocence, and you’ll ask yourself if your attending the festival was also just another pre-determined part of the grand deception (Answer: Yup!).


Remember how you and your dad used to watch those old westerns on Saturday afternoon TV together? The good news is the Bright Star Revival Cinema is running a series of John Wayne flicks for you to go and relive those old father-son memories! The bad news is the guy you thought was your dad was actually an out-of-work actor who owed money to some very dangerous people, and who agreed to raise you according to strict daily instruction from The Council in exchange for his and his real family’s safety. He’ll be there at the theater. He wants to apologize. Series starts at noon with Rio Bravo!


The soft opening of Nu Vox Karaoke is finally here, and there’s no better time for you to get up on that stage, belt out some Journey, and make a big, silly fool of yourself. Especially when you consider that a week from now you’re going to be amazed that the entire time you were up on that stage you had no idea there was a tiny microprocessor surgically embedded just underneath the skin of your scalp. Pay attention to what’s on the lyrics screen during the instrumental break of “Don’t Stop Believin’.” You’ll see a name on the screen. That’s your real name. That’s who you are.


Who likes tacos? You do! Or at least, you were hypnotized to believe that you do back in 1981, and the suggestion has stayed with you ever since. Antonia’s TexMex is the place to go for the best tacos in town! And it’s one of the few places where the security cameras have not been uplinked to the The Council’s band of satellites! A woman will greet you at your table. She will take your order at the start of the meal. At the end of the meal she will bring you your bill. On the back of the bill there will be an address. Go to this address, knock on the door, and take the package handed to you by the small boy who answers the door. Also, try the flautas!


Bring the package to Concord Bowl and Pool, where it’s $5 pitchers all night long. Rent a pair of shoes, size 9 ½ wide. Inside the shoes will be a locker key. Open the locker and put the package inside. Close the locker. Go to the fire exit by the bathrooms. Leave through the exit. The alarm has been disabled. Get into the passenger seat of the car waiting outside. Hand the driver the key to the locker. Get out of the car. Go back inside the bowling alley. Step over the bodies. Don’t worry about your breathing. The gas in the alley is still active and very potent but through chemical treatments administered via what you thought were your children’s vitamins, you’ve developed an immunity. Go to the shoe rental counter. Return your shoes.


Check out the Museum of Contemporary Arts where the Chuck Close exhibit is in its final week. Request the pre-recorded audio tour and follow along according to the prompts. When you are standing before the painting titled “Emma,” the voice on the recording will guide you out of the exhibit through the service halls of the museum to a vacant gallery where you will be blindfolded, drugged, and carried out into a van. This is for your own protection. Don’t forget to flash your student ID for half-price museum admission!


There are no leisure options today. Today is the day you discover there have never been any leisure options. There have never been any options whatsoever. You will think the people who have abducted you are your enemies. They are not. Your enemies were coming for you, but these men saved you. This weekly events guide saved you. If you leave the care of these men, not only is it your life that is in danger, but the lives of millions. Accept our guidance. You’re our only hope.

Bob Powers is the author of several humor books, including Happy Cruelty Day! and You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero. Read his writing daily at Girls Are Pretty and follow him on Twitter at @bobpowers1.