It’s always risky meeting someone from an online dating site in person. You never know exactly what kind of train wreck is going to sit down with you, but you're almost guaranteed it'll be gruesome. No need to worry, though. I’ve done this long enough to group these disasters-with-vaginas into six terrifying categories.

It’ll start out small. First, she'll ask to meet you somewhere reasonably convenient to her workplace. OK, I’ll let that slide. But then she gets real demanding, real fast: "Can you watch my drink while I use the restroom?" Whoa, Nelly! I didn’t realize I was going to be shackled to YOUR drink, aka, YOUR responsibility. But, of course, a chick like this is just getting warmed up. Then she's like, "Call me!" Call you? I’m calling the Needy Police before you can make another demand on my frickin’ life!

This girl is dying to make you think she’s smart. This one girl said she was a fan of Mad Men, so on the date, you better believe I quizzed her on all the cast, crew, and production details. And guess who had no idea Michael Uppendahl directed episode 4 from Season 3? KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! Anybody home, dummy? Go take the short bus home, you dope.

There’s nothing worse than an irrational BITCH, is there? I went out with this girl and things were going fine until I asked her if she’d spot me some cash for a cab ride home since I didn’t feel like taking the subway. She’s like, “I only have a couple of bucks, but you can take what I have.” And I'm like, “I didn't ask for half a cab ride, you deaf and stupid female!” I could just see this dragon lady start seething, and sure enough, she goes, “Hey, I was just trying to help.” Well, I wasn’t going to sit there and put up with that kind of abuse, so I told her to take a Xanax...or 30... and walked.

I made the mistake of having lunch with one of these snooty broads. When I reached over to scoop out some tuna from her sandwich, she just sat there shocked because, you know, my fingers weren’t good enough even though I sucked them clean RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Seems like Her Majesty needs to have her big, metal scepter removed from her ass!

Hipster girls have a BIG problem with looking as good in person as they do in their profile photos. Maybe they think you won’t care once you realize how “quirky” they are! This one hipster showed up with a disgusting mole on her neck and a bunch of embarrassing tattoos she conveniently kept hidden in her pics. She goes, “But you didn’t even have a picture! You just said you looked like the guy who plays Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movies except more cut.” I told that lying uggo to take her crying someplace else—and, no, I wasn’t being “ironic”!

You have got to watch out for the psychos! Case in point: First, she started out saying she was looking forward to our date, some real Fatal Attraction shit that should’ve tipped me off right away. Then, we have a passable time, and she asked if I wanted to watch a movie at her apartment. Well, apparently I wanted to get murdered because I went back to her place. While she was in the bathroom, obviously mixing some poison to slip in my drink that would make it easier to chop me up, I grabbed her phone and dialed her parents because I wanted them to know what kind of DERANGED SLUT they raised. I was screaming, “Your daughter’s a crazy whore! Your daughter’s a crazy whore!” when the chick came back from the bathroom demanding to know what I was doing! I just ran the hell right out of there. So long, Norma Bates!

I hope these tips help, though someone as stupid and lazy as you probably couldn't make it with a babe if you had all the help in the world.