So What's the Big Deal About Zombies?
Between movies like World War Z and TV shows like The Walking Dead, pop culture would have you believe that zombies are one of the biggest threats to our way of life. Well, you know what? Zombies are no big thing! Imagine the dumbest, smelliest guy you know, multiply that by three, and you’ve got a zombie.
Yes, they’re unsettling at first, but these pathetic bastards are embarrassingly easy to destroy or run away from—even though they're lame and dumb and inferior to you in every respect. They’re barely even worth talking about, but here are just a few reasons why zombies are so utterly not a problem for anyone.
1. Zombies are chatty. You can hear these things moaning and groaning about eating your flesh a mile away, so you can clear out well before they arrive. Buy why on earth would you bother?
2. Zombies are slow. It takes these f**ks half an hour to shamble 50 feet, assuming one of their legs doesn’t just buckle and snap. Seriously, what kind of monster needs a knee brace?
3. Zombies lose interest very quickly. If they hear a noise behind them, they’ll turn and kind of lurch after it, at which point you can simply walk up while their backs are turned and take them out. And to do that, you can just stab them anywhere with anything (see below). The pieces of s**t go down nice and easy.
4. The zombie virus is incredibly easy to avoid. On the off chance you get bitten—and you really have to be asleep for one of those doorstops to get its jaws on you—you can just flush the wound with hydrogen peroxide, and, boom, the bite clears up in a few days. And even if you get “zombiefied,” you’ll usually sweat it out in a week or so, tops.
5. Zombies are incapable of formulating any sort of attack plan. One time, 20 zombies tried to bust through my front door. I waited for them to give up, but they kept banging and pushing—not enough to get in, of course, because their bones and muscles are so pitifully atrophied, but just enough to annoy me all night. Finally, the noise got so annoying that I just went out the back door, which, naturally, was totally free. Once outside, I just picked them all off. The hardest part, as always, was cleanup in the morning.
6. If you need to, and it’s highly unlikely that you will, you can kill a zombie by puncturing it with anything—knife, screwdriver, toothpick, bumblebee sting, ANYTHING. It doesn’t have to be deep, just enough to break the skin. The zombie’s essence will leak out with a sad hissing noise, and then it just sort of falls apart into a pile of embarrassing limbs.
I could go on and on, but honestly, any attention paid to zombies is attention better directed toward anything else in the entire world. I killed 26 while writing this very column, and, believe me, that is not bragging.
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