Say Goodbye to a Store, a Couple Florists, a Human Statue, Some Raccoons, Your Innocence, a Domino’s Pizza, and Your Wife and Kids.
Sad week this week. Lots of goodbyes. Lots of shutdowns. Lots of folks making decisions that take themselves far, far away from you. It’s the cycle of life to say goodbye, sure. But this week, seems like the cycle’s stuck in one sad gear.
Tonight you can start the heartbreak by visiting Discount Quality Closeout Bedding At Rock Bottom Bargains before they shut their doors forever. Sure, they’ve had a “Going Out Of Business” sign on their window for the last seventeen months, but this week they Sharpied the words “For Real This Time” at the bottom. Go in and buy some irregular bed-sheets and tell them, “We’re all going to sleep a little less warm tonight with you guys gone.” Then go into the alley behind the store, rip open those bed-sheets and you just go ahead and cry into them, kiddo.
Stop by Southside Floral for the going away party of Kim and Danny. These two florists fell in love while working at Southside Floral, and the bouquets and wreaths they arranged really benefited from that giddy, new love feeling that was floating around the space. Unfortunately, Southside Floral has a strict no-employee dating policy so they both got fired. Pop in to tell Kim and Danny you’ll be sad to see them go, and you wish they could just fall out of love and keep working there. Kim and Danny will say they wish the same, and they’re starting to resent the love they share for destroying their careers, but love is love and workplace policies are workplace policies. Before you leave, say, “Every rose has its thorn I guess.” Then take off to let them think about that for a while.
Make sure to say goodbye to the guy who’s been working in the park as The Human Statue for the past six years. It’s his last day today, since he’s planning to commit suicide tonight at 11 PM, once he’s sure his mother is asleep. Just stand in front of him and wave goodbye for a few minutes. He won’t visibly acknowledge you because he’s just that good, but inside, he’ll appreciate the farewell.
Scrounger and Fuzzyface, a couple of your town’s raccoons are going to be scurrying around in a dumpster on the corner of 5th and Elm when the garbage hauling truck comes by and empties the entire dumpster to be carted out of town to the landfill. Before the truck arrives, climb up on the railing of the dumpster and shout down to Scrounger and Fuzzyface, “So long you beautiful little beasts! My God, how have we let the time pass us by! We should have done more together! We should have been more together!” Drop away from the dumpster before Scrounger tries to claw at your eyes.
You’ll have the chance to finally say goodbye to your innocence tonight when you find your mom cheating on your dad with your town’s mayor. “Don’t worry sweetie, I do this just to get your dad the permits he needs to expand his business,” your mom will say. You’ll tell your mom you thought your dad built his business by working hard. Your mom and the Mayor will laugh really hard, then your dad will wander in with a tray of drinks and ask what’s so funny. Your mom and the Mayor will tell your dad, and they’ll all laugh at how naïve you are. Or, how naïve you were before you hugged your innocence warmly to your chest and bid it a sad goodbye.
The Dominos is closing down to make way for a Little Caesars. Go to the Dominos and press your mouth against the storefront window. Make love to the window of Dominos with your mouth until the pizza chef runs out to shoe you away with a spatula.
After a week of sad goodbyes, you’ll get home late and find your wife and kids asleep. Write them a note telling them you’re leaving. “This week I had to say goodbye to a lot of stuff. It was painful, but you’re the only things in my life I really care about, and I could never stand you leaving me. So I’m leaving you. I’m not going to let you hurt me the way the human statue, the Dominos, my belief that my mom and dad were faithful to each other and that hard work pays off, Kim and Danny, the discount bedding store, and some raccoons did. How’s it feel?”
Drive away knowing it feels bad. Your wife and kids are going to wake up and feel completely left behind. After a long week of watching stuff say goodbye, someone else is going to feel as abandoned as you do, and you won’t have to feel so alone.
Bob Powers is the author of several humor books, including Happy Cruelty Day! and You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero. Read his writing daily at Girls Are Pretty and follow him on Twitter at @bobpowers1.
Say Goodbye to a Store, a Couple Florists, a Human Statue, Some Raccoons, Your Innocence, a Domino’s Pizza, and Your Wife and Kids.12/02/2013
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