Modern Sex-Having: A Lone Columnist Explores the Best Positions for it
Everyone likes sex. Some like it more, some less. I fall somewhere in the middle, I suppose, though I don't read scientific literature on the subject or keep up with sex trends, so I can't say for certain. But one thing I do know is that sexual positions are important, both to the success of any given sex encounter and over the course of a relationship.
To begin this column, it would be helpful if I shared something from my personal sex life that everyone can relate to, so as to draw the reader in: Well, if that's what you came here for, you can forget it. That stuff is between me and my wife. I won't be scrutinized like a sexy piece of meat that features prominently in the final challenge of some cooking show that is also erotic.
Instead, let me suggest a visit to your local bookstore. India may have been the first civilization to catalog all the sex positions, but America mastered the art of awkwardly photographing those positions and publishing them in insipidly written how-to volumes. So first, get one of these books. Next, visualize yourself precisely executing each position. Then do something that puts you in a situation where you can have sex. Finally, try one of these new positions:
Some may find this one to be tame, but that's because most people don't do it sexily enough. Put those hands together and squeeze. Lick both palms, wiggle your fingers around some, maybe even grope a third person. The only limit is your own creativity!
2. Mutual Inter-Room Squats
I like seeing women squat. I won't deny it. But even with an old favorite like squatting, sometimes it's best to leave a little to the imagination. Try squatting in your bedroom with the door closed while your partner simultaneously squats in the living room. Be sure to yell encouragement at each other, and don't be afraid to talk dirty. You can even do this position over the phone! If squatting isn't a turn-on for you, try backbends or lunges.
3. Rototiller of the Gods
This is a variation on the standard Wheelbarrow of the Gods, in which the man wraps his left leg around the woman's right thigh, places his full weight on his right elbow, ensures his partner's pelvis is elevated at least sixteen inches, twists his torso around ninety degrees so his chest is perpendicular to his right leg, and then thrusts away. Unlike its humdrum counterpart, however, the Rototiller of the Gods spices things up by using engine power and rotating blades to provide a more efficient means of "plowing." For reasons of safety, it's best not to use such machinery in the bedroom; instead, use a backyard garden or a field adjacent to your house.
This position doesn't actually require intercourse, and can be a great way to get started growing your own vegetables and herbs, adding a fresh touch to your home cooking. After all, not everything is about sex.
4. Conjoined-Twin Spooning (Modified)
A new twist on an old classic: Instead of simply riding two conjoined twins from behind, jump right in the middle! You may find it necessary to improvise, depending on where your two partners are joined and which internal organs they share, but it's hard to go wrong with this move (also known as the Siamese Sandwich). Don't be surprised if you wind up with claw marks from three to four different hands!
5. Two Ladybugs Enlaced at the Wings
For this position, you will need incredibly strong shoulder muscles, a penis the size of a Pringles canister, and access to the roof of the Empire State Building. I would not suggest getting creative with this particular position—it may be old-fashioned, but it's tried and true.
This one's great because it's easy to remember. Missionary makes an excellent fallback position if you're having sex and can't come up with anything else.
Hope these are helpful to you and your partner or partners. Until next time, happy sexing!
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