Note: Some events have been changed or cancelled. See corrections at bottom for details.

Monday

There’s a haunted house for you to check out every night this week, and there’s no better place to start than Nightmare Land at 1720 Porter Avenue, a three story house of terror where creepy ghouls are waiting around every corner to scare the bejeezus out of you!*

Tuesday

Once you’ve recovered from Nightmare Land, spend your Tuesday night at Satan’s Dungeon, 343 Steinway St. An army of devilish minions are waiting to welcome you into their chambers to scare you with all the horrors of the firey underworld.**

Wednesday

If Satan’s Dungeon didn’t do you in, Killer’s Hideaway at 870 Pope St surely will. Venture into the home of a family of horror movie style psychos as they lure you deeper into their mad cave of bloodshed.

Thursday

Managed to escape from the Hideaway? Well then spend your Thursday night at Apocalypse House’s Cult Of Madness in the compound just on the other side of the quarry. Find out what awaits you at world’s end and see if you have the wits to endure the creepy, insane cult of apocalyptic marauders!***

Friday

Witch’s Cauldron House Of Spells is the perfect Friday night scarefest. Located at 1313 Cadman Way, these witches are ready to cast their spell on you. ††

Saturday

Spend your Saturday at the track for the Pale Little Girls Riding Slowly On Tricycles Race at Manny’s Go Cart Track on US 60. †††

Sunday

Close out the week by heading to the campgrounds for the Town Wide Horror Fest Of Terror, Evil, Death, Fluids, and Ridicule. The whole town will be there with lots of fun and frightening activities for the whole family.****

*After going to press we learned that the Nightmare Land house at 1720 Porter Avenue disappeared when the giant who was having the nightmare woke up. Anyone in the house at the time of the giant’s awakening is trapped in his head until he dreams again.

** After press time we confirmed reports that the building housing Satan’s Dungeon was swallowed into the earth and returned to hell, apparently for renovations. They hope to reopen by week’s end.

† The police raided Killer’s Hideaway just after we went to press, and it turned out this was just a murder house. The family that lived there killed year-round, usually choosing their victims from people who stopped to ask for directions, or to admire the tomato bush in their front yard. But they opened up their doors for Halloween to make some extra haunted house money, since so many of their victims told them how spooky the house was before dying. Anyone who bought tickets in advance can get refunds at CoolTix with your confirmation number and the code “TheyWereReallyKillingPeopleInThere.”

*** Real cult. As anyone who’s watched the news is now aware, Apocalypse House is a doomsday cult that the ATF seized just after we went to press. Half of the cult-members were found dead by their own hand while the other half is holed up in a reinforced arsenal on the compound’s outskirts. Anyone who has already attended the Apocalypse House should contact the city’s department of health for free deprogramming sessions immediately.

†† This event has been cancelled. Don’t worry, they weren’t real witches. They weren’t real anything. Everyone who worked at this haunted house has been dead for thirty years. It’s not yet clear why ghosts would pretend to be witches at a haunted house, since a haunted house is literally the only workplace where ghosts would be a welcome part of the team. The ghosts were not available for questioning as they have scattered throughout the town and are presumed to be hiding in the bedrooms of our children.

††† Cancelled. The pale little girls heard the song of a music box in the middle of the night and they took off on their tricycles to follow its lilting tune. A search party is underway.

**** Given the goings-on this week, it’s widely believed that something horrible is going to happen once everyone is gathered at the Town Wide Horror Fest Of Terror, Evil, Death, Fluids, and Ridicule. Yet when anyone in town is asked if they’re attending, this author included, the response is always, “Of course. We are compelled.” Therefore, the Town Wide Horror Fest Of Terror, Evil, Death, Fluids, and Ridiculeis not to be missed. It is where we as a community are meant to meet our end.

Bob Powers is the author of several humor books, including Happy Cruelty Day! and You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero. Read his writing daily at Girls Are Pretty and follow him on Twitter at @bobpowers1.