It's Back-to-School Shopping Season! Grab Your Cleaver!
It’s back-to-school season again. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get your kids all the supplies they need and the cool gear they want—without breaking the bank! How, you ask? It's easy! All you need is a cow.
Shopping for clothes can tear apart the closest of families. Why slug it out with the crowds at Macy’s when you can you slaughter a cow, let its carcass bleed out, and butcher some sweet threads at home? A beef liver with a neck hole gouged into it makes a nice one-piece garment that’s big enough to cover the little ones from head to toe. The best part? Kids hate the taste of liver, so no need to worry about them chewing holes in their good school clothes!
Your teenagers will want to pick out their own clothes, of course, and with a little supervision, they can dig into your cow with a meat saw, cut off a flank or loin, and drape it over themselves. Note that school dress codes can vary, so if in doubt, ask an administrator if there are any guidelines that must be followed (e.g., a flap of muscle and fat worn by a girl may have to extend below the knees in certain private or parochial schools).
Let other parents drop a hundred bucks on name-brand sneakers that fall apart by Christmas. You’ll be carving out the first two digestive compartments of your cow’s stomach, scooping out the cud, and giving your kids a pair of rockin’ kicks sure to get a second look in the hallway. As for the remaining two stomach chambers? Save those for gym class!
Surprisingly enough, a cow’s skull makes a fantastic lunchbox. When you reach into your cow’s cranium and lift out its baseball-sized brain, you’re bound to think, “How will I ever fit my child’s lunch in this thing?” But just move that soup thermos and that juice box into the eye sockets, slide a few carrot sticks into the nasal cavity, and suddenly you’ve got room for everything—even a note from Mom!
Lunchboxes are also a great way for kids to show everyone at school they’re into all the latest pop stars and TV shows. Why should your child be any different?
4. School Supplies
Of course, school is not just a fashion show. Luckily, you should still have plenty of cow left to equip your kids for class work.
•Writing implements: This one is simple arithmetic. Four teats + all that blood you drained from your cow’s carcass = four red pens. And you’ll have more than enough “ink” to make it through June.
• Notebooks: Flatten and dry out a lung.
• Rulers: Snap off 12 inches of the spinal column; notch at appropriate intervals.
You get the idea! You’ve got a thousand pounds of bones, blood, sinew, and viscera to work with, so feel free to improvise. And remember, whatever you don’t use now, you can freeze and use next year.
Now get slaughtering! Summer will be over before you know it.
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