You are attractive and alone and it’s not fair. So go see Madame Katya and pay her twenty dollars to use her psychic powers to help you find your soul-mate.

“His name Lenny,” Madame Katya will say in a thick accent. “From high school?”

You’ll remember him. He was cute.

“He is dead,” the psychic will say. “He is here in room with us. He say he always like you, but he was shy. Now that he dead, he through playing game and want to be boyfriend.”

In the past, you’d cast guys aside for being too short or having the wrong job or being deceased. But you’re done with being picky. Tell Madame Katya to tell Lenny your answer is yes.

For your first date, go see the gambling movie Runner Runner. It will be really nice, except for when you get shushed by people who are sick of Madame Katya telling you when Lenny has put his hand on yours, or relaying funny things Lenny says about Ben Affleck. At the end of the date, you’ll go back to your place, take off your clothes, and lay down in bed while Madame Katya tells you what Lenny is doing to you.

It’s time to introduce Lenny to your friends, so bring him to your friend Karen’s dinner party. The other couples will be a little put off that your new boyfriend can only communicate with you via a medium who has to go into convulsions and roll her eyes up into her head for every relayed message, but Lenny will charm everybody with the things Madame Katya says he’s saying. It will all be going very well until dessert when Madame Katya tells everyone, “Lenny is screaming. He screams and screams.”

You’ll all ask her what he’s screaming about, but she’ll only say, “He screams.”

You’ll plan to spend the night at home alone, but Madame Katya will call at 11 PM and tell you Lenny is there with you.

“Take off clothes so hands may be put to you,” she’ll say.

You’ll take off your clothes and Madame Katya will tell you over the phone all the things Lenny is doing to your body. It will be the best phone sex you’ve ever had. You’ll hang on her every heavily accented word, panting with anticipation for Lenny’s next kiss or touch. At points you’ll feel ready to burst, especially when she puts you on hold to answer another call.

You’ll have just had your second orgasm when Madame Katya says, “Lenny is screaming. I hang up now.”

Google Lenny’s name to find out how he died. You’ll find an article about a home health aide who terrorized his elderly clients until they signed over their pension checks to him. He was arrested and murdered in prison. The money was never found.

You and Lenny made plans to go to the apple cider festival in the park. When you arrive, ask if Lenny is in hell.

“Is that what all the screaming is for? Because he was sent to hell and is being tortured by demons for having stolen from those old people?”

Lenny will say through Madame Katya that those old people had no use for their money.

“It better if money go to someone young, who can spend,” Madame Katya will say for Lenny. “Someone like you.”

Drive out to a seedy part of town to the abandoned house where Lenny claims his money is hidden. Break into the basement and dig into the dirt floor until you find a duffel bag of cash. There will be thousands in there.

“I want to break up,” you’ll say, carrying the money out of the basement. Madame Katya will tell you that Lenny is very angry and you need to let him convince you he only wants you to be happy.

When you wait to hear what he has to say, Madame Katya will tell you only, “He screaming again. Getting rape by demon.”

Spend the day traveling around town giving money to the grandchildren of the old people Lenny stole from. You’ll feel good making an injustice right, if a little sad that you’re single again.

That night Madame Katya will call you. “Take off clothes so hands may be put to you,” she’ll say.

You’ll tell her it’s over between you and Lenny and he has to go.

“Not for Lenny,” she’ll say. “Lenny gone. Now, take off clothes so hands may be put to you.”

Bob Powers is the author of several humor books, including Happy Cruelty Day! and You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero. Read his writing daily at Girls Are Pretty and follow him on Twitter at @bobpowers1.