The proposed Hyperloop high-speed mass transit system is being touted as safer than air travel. Here are the ways it is going to kill you:

  • An 800-mph derailment will wipe out all of coastal California, Oregon, and Washington as the out-of-control train careens end-over-end.
  • Mad with power, Musk will be overcome by blood lust during the ribbon cutting ceremony and use the giant scissors to cut off the heads of several investors and civic officials before he is subdued.
  • Inexpensive $20 tickets will leave people with plenty of money to buy heroin and die of overdoses.
  • Murder mysteries aboard the train will never be solved due to the extremely short duration of the trip.
  • The proposed route runs over the San Andreas fault line, an area where mutant gangs run amok and launch raids on commuters to obtain metals and food.
  • Any charity donkey basketball games held to raise money for Hyperloop construction will almost certainly wind up killing everyone involved.
  • The Hyperloop bears a resemblance to a giant anaconda, which will diminish people's fear of these massive snakes and cause a huge spike in constriction deaths.
  • People who use a long train ride as their only respite from work and home life are going to lash out after losing the one thing that was preventing them from committing mass murder.
  • It is pretty much guaranteed to be high-velocity carnage rocket that will turn rush hour into pile of undifferentiated blood, meat, and briefcases.