True pirates are a dying breed. Their identities are being shamelessly co-opted by cheerful cereal mascots and foppish alcoholics. Being a superstitious, unbathed sea criminal used to mean something.

• 9.

  The Venture Bros.

  Fake Ghost Pirates

  Want to impress your friends and family? Try slipping the phrase "hot Sargassum" into your next conversation.
• 8.

  Sealab 2021

  Radio Pirates

  Because it's important to preserve the impeccable standards of official talk radio and morning zoo crews.
• 7.

  Home Movies

  Little Girl Pirates

  You know the bar is being set dangerously low when your behavior can be faithfully reenacted by an eight-year-old. Time to step it up, gentlemen.
• 6.

  Metalocalypse

  Internet Pirates

  That's right, a few mouse clicks in your bedroom instantly places you on par with badass swashbucklers. Live the dream, kids.
• 5.

  Fat Guy Stuck in Internet

  Literal Internet Pirates

  Everybody relax. He's just smuggling DVD rips of Runaway Bride and Bowfinger.

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