• 7.
    General note on lingerie purchases: ladies, they're meant to help you feel sexy, not guys. Guys would be fine if you were naked all the time, so don't go getting all emotional if they can't fake newly awakened lust at your clothes.
  • 6.
    Dr. Venture is a lot like Ebenezer Scrooge. Except for all that wealth and hard work and determination.
  • 5.
    And in a few weeks, that tree will be sent through a machine and shredded up, doomed to be mulch around the feet of its still living brethren.
  • 4.
    We really want to hear what Regis' three other choices were for a woman's reproductive system.
  • 3.
    If Mrs. Claus wants something better, she ought to sit on Santa's lap a little more often.
  • 2.
    It's hard to be funny about something you're endorsing. You can make jokes, but they'll all feel like the jokes the guy on the infomercial makes about how sculpted his abs are from using his machine. And nobody's laughing at your abs, idiot.
  • 1.
    Raise a candle. Or at least light a match.
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